Getting a grip.

Too much going on in my head and in the umpteen sketchbooks on the go. Attempting to filter out some of the common threads and actually pin down the direction they're going in..... Admin basically.... I've got an awful feeling it's going to involve lists.

Keep returning to these lines. These are of the river (Dart). Keen to explore this control, order over the unpredictability of nature. Also the repetition in a daily rhythm. At High Cross House there is a quietness. It is full of lines. The order and repetition of the line create an emotion almost undetected in its coolness. Whether to go with this or challenge it and pick up on the tension with the outside (rambling, free, curved, squiggled, movement, life...). It's a start.

The first day at the studio was short because there is still a lot of work going on with the building. I was able to be there long enough to freak out. I have not really anticipated how much of a public space my studio will be.... The last time I worked like this I had a similar freak out I remember now! I think the pressure I pile on myself is huge and I know that is the way I work, unfortunately. The space here needs to be set up. Ideally I need a body of work to display whilst I work on the current stuff. In reality I don't have a body of work. My old pieces don't exist only in bad photographs. I don't really want to have it around me necessarily! I go over old work and I see what it lacks. Where I went wrong. Sometimes I am philosophical about it and kind to my old self. Like a fond parent I see the limited, naive, work as part of her development, learning curves if you like and that it is a constant journey. Then I have horrid days when I almost give up. The inner critic rises like a putrid poison to infect me with self doubt and shame; how could I ever imagine that silly drawing was valid? It's basic and rudimentary. It lacks rigour. It is so undeveloped.... and so on.

Nevertheless I keep going and the next step is to make a list of course. That will help me get a grip. Control over the chaos within whilst the drawing takes control of the chaos 'with out'.